If you've been divorced this post may offend you. If it
does, I'm so sorry because that certainly isn't my intent. But if you are
married and especially married with children, this post is for you. We know
what the Bible says about divorce and I think so many have heard it so many
times that they may tend to ignore it; mostly because, I think, people know
that God will forgive them when they do wrong. Given that, I'm not going to
reference God or His will. I just want to focus on marriage.
Book after book has been written on this subject so I'm sure
that I may not have any original thoughts. Tonight, Kalli and I went to Olive
Garden and a lady with her two young girls was eating beside us and she didn't
have a wedding ring on. Does that mean she is divorced? No. But going with the
odds, she probably is. They were happy and having a fun time but I thought
about how sad it was that these girls daddy wasn't with them.
When you first got married and were in love, did you say
things to your newlywed spouse like "if we stay together" or "I
hope we make it"? I doubt it. Those newlywed emotions run deep and hot, so
hot that they tend to cool off after a while. That's no surprise and certainly
not a profound statement. What's left when the newlywed feelings aren't so hot
is marriage. Too many couples focus so hard on those newlywed feelings that
they lose sight of why they have those feelings. They have them because they
are with the one that they love and it's exciting to know that you will have them
the rest of your life. That is the phrase that too many couples let go of so
quickly; "the rest of your life". If your wedding vows were like mine
and Kim's they included a "till death do us part" and "through
better and/or worse". That is one heck of a commitment, a life-long
commitment.
So when couples with children get divorced, what do they
teach their children? First, they teach them that it is OK to quit on what is
important. We teach our children to not quit. If they start something they
can't quit. The more effort a kid puts into something, like sports, the more we
encourage them when things get hard. We tell them something like "you've
put so much into this, you've worked so hard, please don't quit now or you will
regret it for the rest of your life". A friend of mine had a son who
wanted to quit a sport during his senior season. He told him that the decision
is his son's but he encouraged him not to quit and explained in great detail
the impact it would have on the rest of his life. Even though it was hard and
his situation didn't get easier, the boy stuck with it. He was glad he did and
had no regrets for it.
A divorce also teaches kids that things worth having aren't
worth working for. We teach our kids "if it's worth having then it's worth
working for". How is the biggest commitment that you've ever made not
worth working for? We teach our kids that if you want to be smart, you have to
study. If you want to make better grades, you have to study harder. We all want
a better marriage yet so many aren't willing to put any more effort into it.
In my opinion the problem boils down to two simple things;
pride and selfishness. I know this isn't
new information but I can't stress how important these two things are and how
they have no place in marriage. So if I'm telling you to work to keep your
marriage, what work do you do? From my own experience, Kim and I spent a lot of
time "working" at keeping those newlywed feelings. We spent years
trying to get back that newlywed passion that we had. But if you want that fire
back in your marriage or if you just want to keep your marriage the work
shouldn't be spent on kindling passion and emotions. When you work at those
things, you are trying to do work on your spouse. If it doesn't work then you
may blame your spouse instead of yourself. The real work that needs to take
place in marriage is the work that you do on you.
Most people, if not all, don't want to admit they are
selfish. But you show me a failing marriage and I'll show you a marriage where
one or both spouses are selfish. What is being selfish? Being selfish is simply
putting your wants and needs ahead of your spouses. I'm not talking about
serving yourself before your spouse. I'm not talking about spending your money
on your spouse instead of yourself. What I'm talking about is when your
feelings, your happiness is more important than your spouses. If you are
struggling in your marriage, I encourage you to look inward at yourself first.
Are you putting your happiness ahead of your spouse? Are you not giving your
spouse what they want because "God didn't make you like that"? It's
all about effort. Your spouse needs to see that you are willing to do ANYTHING
for them, even if it's out of your comfort zone. And I'm really talking about
meeting emotional needs not physical needs. Physical needs are important but
emotional needs are so much more important. Your spouse needs, I mean really
needs to know that you love them and they really are important enough to you
that you committed the rest of your life to them.
What keeps people from being unselfish? Pride. Plain and
simple, pride keeps you from doing the things your spouse needs and wants. When
was the last time you said you were sorry when you really weren't? When was the
last time that you held your tongue instead of saying what was on your mind? If
you tend to say what is on your mind, even if it starts a fight then you have
pride issues. If you never apologize just to keep the peace, especially before
a fight starts, then you have pride issues. We teach our kids to take pride in
what they do and we should. That kind of pride is good. When was the last time
you thought about taking pride in your marriage? Or more, when was the last
time that you took pride in your spouse? When was the last time that you felt
proud to be married to them?
Marriage is hard, I know. Divorce rates are at 50% or higher
inside and outside of the church. You can't worry about statistics and you
can't use them as an excuse. A long time ago, I learned that if you wanted to
succeed at anything you had to avoid "relative comparisons". Relative
comparisons are when you compare what you're doing to someone else. It's when
you say "I may not be great but I'm better than my neighbor". In
marriage, we can't do that. The only thing that is important in marriage
(outside of God) is your spouse. IT'S NOT YOU. You married the person that
you're living with (or separated from) with the intention to be with them until
you die. So you can't settle for a failing marriage and justify it because it
hasn't failed yet like your neighbors did.
Love isn't that passion you felt as a newlywed. Love is the
commitment you made to your spouse. Love is "till death do us part"
and "for better or worse". If you want to teach your kids one of the
most valuable lessons they could learn, show them how to love.
I know it is hard to do these things when your spouse isn't.
But I can almost guarantee that if you put in the effort to work on yourself,
your spouse will notice. If you haven't seen the movie "Firerproof"
or haven't seen it in a while, watch it and watch it soon. Like I said, my
thoughts aren't original they just can't be said enough.
I know there are times when divorce can't be avoided like
spousal abuse. If your spouse is abusing you, I encourage you to get out now.
However, there is a difference between being insensitive and being abusive.
If you live completely for Jesus today, you won't regret tomorrow what you did yesterday.
I love you and God does too!
John
