Is Divorce really what you want?

If you've been divorced this post may offend you. If it does, I'm so sorry because that certainly isn't my intent. But if you are married and especially married with children, this post is for you. We know what the Bible says about divorce and I think so many have heard it so many times that they may tend to ignore it; mostly because, I think, people know that God will forgive them when they do wrong. Given that, I'm not going to reference God or His will. I just want to focus on marriage.

Book after book has been written on this subject so I'm sure that I may not have any original thoughts. Tonight, Kalli and I went to Olive Garden and a lady with her two young girls was eating beside us and she didn't have a wedding ring on. Does that mean she is divorced? No. But going with the odds, she probably is. They were happy and having a fun time but I thought about how sad it was that these girls daddy wasn't with them.

When you first got married and were in love, did you say things to your newlywed spouse like "if we stay together" or "I hope we make it"? I doubt it. Those newlywed emotions run deep and hot, so hot that they tend to cool off after a while. That's no surprise and certainly not a profound statement. What's left when the newlywed feelings aren't so hot is marriage. Too many couples focus so hard on those newlywed feelings that they lose sight of why they have those feelings. They have them because they are with the one that they love and it's exciting to know that you will have them the rest of your life. That is the phrase that too many couples let go of so quickly; "the rest of your life". If your wedding vows were like mine and Kim's they included a "till death do us part" and "through better and/or worse". That is one heck of a commitment, a life-long commitment.

So when couples with children get divorced, what do they teach their children? First, they teach them that it is OK to quit on what is important. We teach our children to not quit. If they start something they can't quit. The more effort a kid puts into something, like sports, the more we encourage them when things get hard. We tell them something like "you've put so much into this, you've worked so hard, please don't quit now or you will regret it for the rest of your life". A friend of mine had a son who wanted to quit a sport during his senior season. He told him that the decision is his son's but he encouraged him not to quit and explained in great detail the impact it would have on the rest of his life. Even though it was hard and his situation didn't get easier, the boy stuck with it. He was glad he did and had no regrets for it.

A divorce also teaches kids that things worth having aren't worth working for. We teach our kids "if it's worth having then it's worth working for". How is the biggest commitment that you've ever made not worth working for? We teach our kids that if you want to be smart, you have to study. If you want to make better grades, you have to study harder. We all want a better marriage yet so many aren't willing to put any more effort into it.

In my opinion the problem boils down to two simple things; pride and selfishness.  I know this isn't new information but I can't stress how important these two things are and how they have no place in marriage. So if I'm telling you to work to keep your marriage, what work do you do? From my own experience, Kim and I spent a lot of time "working" at keeping those newlywed feelings. We spent years trying to get back that newlywed passion that we had. But if you want that fire back in your marriage or if you just want to keep your marriage the work shouldn't be spent on kindling passion and emotions. When you work at those things, you are trying to do work on your spouse. If it doesn't work then you may blame your spouse instead of yourself. The real work that needs to take place in marriage is the work that you do on you.

Most people, if not all, don't want to admit they are selfish. But you show me a failing marriage and I'll show you a marriage where one or both spouses are selfish. What is being selfish? Being selfish is simply putting your wants and needs ahead of your spouses. I'm not talking about serving yourself before your spouse. I'm not talking about spending your money on your spouse instead of yourself. What I'm talking about is when your feelings, your happiness is more important than your spouses. If you are struggling in your marriage, I encourage you to look inward at yourself first. Are you putting your happiness ahead of your spouse? Are you not giving your spouse what they want because "God didn't make you like that"? It's all about effort. Your spouse needs to see that you are willing to do ANYTHING for them, even if it's out of your comfort zone. And I'm really talking about meeting emotional needs not physical needs. Physical needs are important but emotional needs are so much more important. Your spouse needs, I mean really needs to know that you love them and they really are important enough to you that you committed the rest of your life to them.

What keeps people from being unselfish? Pride. Plain and simple, pride keeps you from doing the things your spouse needs and wants. When was the last time you said you were sorry when you really weren't? When was the last time that you held your tongue instead of saying what was on your mind? If you tend to say what is on your mind, even if it starts a fight then you have pride issues. If you never apologize just to keep the peace, especially before a fight starts, then you have pride issues. We teach our kids to take pride in what they do and we should. That kind of pride is good. When was the last time you thought about taking pride in your marriage? Or more, when was the last time that you took pride in your spouse? When was the last time that you felt proud to be married to them?

Marriage is hard, I know. Divorce rates are at 50% or higher inside and outside of the church. You can't worry about statistics and you can't use them as an excuse. A long time ago, I learned that if you wanted to succeed at anything you had to avoid "relative comparisons". Relative comparisons are when you compare what you're doing to someone else. It's when you say "I may not be great but I'm better than my neighbor". In marriage, we can't do that. The only thing that is important in marriage (outside of God) is your spouse. IT'S NOT YOU. You married the person that you're living with (or separated from) with the intention to be with them until you die. So you can't settle for a failing marriage and justify it because it hasn't failed yet like your neighbors did.

Love isn't that passion you felt as a newlywed. Love is the commitment you made to your spouse. Love is "till death do us part" and "for better or worse". If you want to teach your kids one of the most valuable lessons they could learn, show them how to love.

I know it is hard to do these things when your spouse isn't. But I can almost guarantee that if you put in the effort to work on yourself, your spouse will notice. If you haven't seen the movie "Firerproof" or haven't seen it in a while, watch it and watch it soon. Like I said, my thoughts aren't original they just can't be said enough.

I know there are times when divorce can't be avoided like spousal abuse. If your spouse is abusing you, I encourage you to get out now. However, there is a difference between being insensitive and being abusive.

I encourage you, I beg you, to strive for a prosperous marriage. I know you think your spouse is the problem and you may be right. However, if you will look to be a better spouse your efforts won't go unnoticed. It may take a while but it will be well worth it in the end. I can't think of a time when I said to myself "I wish I would have started that fight instead of holding my tongue".  If you need prayer about this Kim and I would be happy to pray for you.  You can reach me at johnkn.home@gmail.com.

If you live completely for Jesus today, you won't regret tomorrow what you did yesterday.
I love you and God does too!
John

The One Who Sins Will Die!! What??

As unexciting as it may be, I've been reading almost completely out of the Old Testament for the past few months.  You can't beat the Gospel in the New Testament but I love going back to the stories that I learned in Sunday School as a little boy.  Most of them came from the Old Testament.  Many scriptures are jumping out at me as I read but the ones that are really resonating with me seem to be those of redemption and forgiveness.  

Today, I was eating lunch and reading Ezekiel, when I got to chapter 18 the heading said "The One Who Sins Will Die".  

Now I don't know about you but that got my attention...real quick!  It's funny how the editors of the different Bible editions know exactly how to catch someone's attention.  It's funny because that really isn't the important message, it isn't what Ezekiel 18 is about at all.  Yes, Ezekiel 18 spends a good deal of time focusing on a sinner.  But it also focuses on the righteous and, more importantly to me, the the repentant sinner.

For some reason lately, I've really had repentance and forgiveness on my mind when I've been reading the Bible.  Partly, I'm sure, because of Prison Ministry.  So anytime I get to read a verse that backs up what I believe, I think it's awesome.  Maybe I'm the only person that the devil still tells during those tired times that "you aren't saved".  Or "none of this would have happened if you were really saved".  Of course I know better but that still doesn't mean that the devil doesn't come at me with that crap.  Ez. 18:21 (NIV) says;

 "But if a wicked person turns away from all the sins they have committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, that person will surely live; they will not die".


That verse really excites me.  When I read it I just said to myself "that's me".  I was a wicked person but I turned away from all the sins that I committed and I keep the decrees of the lord.  I do what is right and just.  I have repented.  That's me!

Is it you?  Are you the new man in Ez. 18:21 or are you the man depicted in Ez. 18:24in which God says;

"But if a righteous person turns from their righteousness and commits sin and does the same detestable things the wicked person does, will they live?  None of the righteous things that person has done will be remembered.  Because of the unfaithfulness they are guilty of and because of the sins they have committed, they will die".

The great thing about God is that he always makes provisions.  If you happen to be the person described in Ez. 18:24 (righteous turned wicked), God sent His son Jesus to die for your sins.  Simply turn from sin and do good and seek forgiveness from Christ and you will be the person described in Ez. 18:21.  As for me, I've been wishy-washy like the Ez. 18:24 man in the past but my commitment to God is to never be like that again.  Our walk with Christ and our eternal fate is much to important to ever turn back on God.

If you live for Christ today then tomorrow, you won't regret what you did yesterday.
God loves you and I do too!

Happy Birthday Little Brother!!

Regret!!!  Life is full of it.  In it's simplest form, regret is just the mindset of wishing you would have done something different, usually because of the outcome of a decision.  I try to teach my children to not have regret in life because it is very hard to fix.

My life is full of regret; I wish I would have tried harder in school, I wish I would have been closer to my grand parents whom are all dead now, I wish I would have insisted on playing Line-Backer full time instead of Defensive End, I wish I would have had short hair, I wish I would have tried contacts sooner, I wish I would have taken my relationship with God seriously, I wish I would have maintained friendships...... I think you get the picture.

Now what does all of this have to do with wishing my brother (Jody Knight) a Happy Birthday?  Well its simple, I have a lot of regret when it comes to the way I handled our relationship as children.  Anyone who knows us knows that we have completely different personalities and we always have since birth.  Basically, his personality was good and mine was bad.  I loved my brother but I was jealous of him because he was "cuter" or "nicer" than I was.  When you couple that jealousy with the fact that I was mean , I was more of a bully than a brother much of the time.  

Now don't get me wrong, we had a lot of fun.  We played football, baseball, and Nerf-hoop in our bedroom all the time and we played in the woods, swung on muscadine vines, played in the creek in the woods, went swimming, and rode our bikes a lot.  But for anyone who has ever been in a bad relationship, the memories that tend to stand out aren't the good ones, its the bad.  It would be too easy for me to tell too much about the negative so I think that I will just leave it at "I was mean to my brother, too mean".

After all these years I love my brother very much and I always have.  I have always been very proud of him.  I have the utmost respect for my brother.  He was a great athlete in school, he was was always smarter than me, and he beat me at every video game we ever played.  Now, he is a strong, reliable, Christian man.  He is a loving husband and loving father.  Like me, he isn't perfect but I think he is a lot closer than I am.  I've done what I know to do to let him know that I love him and I know that he knows that I love him.  The problem is that word "regret".  I just can't help but wonder how things would be today (for both of us and our families) if I would have let the love of Christ overshadow my relationship with my brother.

And you?  Do you have any regret like me?  You can't go back and undo what has been done but you can ask for forgiveness and then move on. Maybe you were on the other end of the stick and you are harboring hard feelings because of the way you were treated.  You must forgive.  

Regret isn't healthy but it is a fact.  All we can do is live our lives from this point on with no regret.  If you live today completely for Jesus, then tomorrow, you won't regret what you did yesterday.

I love you and God does too!