Saturday, September 28, 2013

Is Divorce really what you want?

If you've been divorced this post may offend you. If it does, I'm so sorry because that certainly isn't my intent. But if you are married and especially married with children, this post is for you. We know what the Bible says about divorce and I think so many have heard it so many times that they may tend to ignore it; mostly because, I think, people know that God will forgive them when they do wrong. Given that, I'm not going to reference God or His will. I just want to focus on marriage.

Book after book has been written on this subject so I'm sure that I may not have any original thoughts. Tonight, Kalli and I went to Olive Garden and a lady with her two young girls was eating beside us and she didn't have a wedding ring on. Does that mean she is divorced? No. But going with the odds, she probably is. They were happy and having a fun time but I thought about how sad it was that these girls daddy wasn't with them.

When you first got married and were in love, did you say things to your newlywed spouse like "if we stay together" or "I hope we make it"? I doubt it. Those newlywed emotions run deep and hot, so hot that they tend to cool off after a while. That's no surprise and certainly not a profound statement. What's left when the newlywed feelings aren't so hot is marriage. Too many couples focus so hard on those newlywed feelings that they lose sight of why they have those feelings. They have them because they are with the one that they love and it's exciting to know that you will have them the rest of your life. That is the phrase that too many couples let go of so quickly; "the rest of your life". If your wedding vows were like mine and Kim's they included a "till death do us part" and "through better and/or worse". That is one heck of a commitment, a life-long commitment.

So when couples with children get divorced, what do they teach their children? First, they teach them that it is OK to quit on what is important. We teach our children to not quit. If they start something they can't quit. The more effort a kid puts into something, like sports, the more we encourage them when things get hard. We tell them something like "you've put so much into this, you've worked so hard, please don't quit now or you will regret it for the rest of your life". A friend of mine had a son who wanted to quit a sport during his senior season. He told him that the decision is his son's but he encouraged him not to quit and explained in great detail the impact it would have on the rest of his life. Even though it was hard and his situation didn't get easier, the boy stuck with it. He was glad he did and had no regrets for it.

A divorce also teaches kids that things worth having aren't worth working for. We teach our kids "if it's worth having then it's worth working for". How is the biggest commitment that you've ever made not worth working for? We teach our kids that if you want to be smart, you have to study. If you want to make better grades, you have to study harder. We all want a better marriage yet so many aren't willing to put any more effort into it.

In my opinion the problem boils down to two simple things; pride and selfishness.  I know this isn't new information but I can't stress how important these two things are and how they have no place in marriage. So if I'm telling you to work to keep your marriage, what work do you do? From my own experience, Kim and I spent a lot of time "working" at keeping those newlywed feelings. We spent years trying to get back that newlywed passion that we had. But if you want that fire back in your marriage or if you just want to keep your marriage the work shouldn't be spent on kindling passion and emotions. When you work at those things, you are trying to do work on your spouse. If it doesn't work then you may blame your spouse instead of yourself. The real work that needs to take place in marriage is the work that you do on you.

Most people, if not all, don't want to admit they are selfish. But you show me a failing marriage and I'll show you a marriage where one or both spouses are selfish. What is being selfish? Being selfish is simply putting your wants and needs ahead of your spouses. I'm not talking about serving yourself before your spouse. I'm not talking about spending your money on your spouse instead of yourself. What I'm talking about is when your feelings, your happiness is more important than your spouses. If you are struggling in your marriage, I encourage you to look inward at yourself first. Are you putting your happiness ahead of your spouse? Are you not giving your spouse what they want because "God didn't make you like that"? It's all about effort. Your spouse needs to see that you are willing to do ANYTHING for them, even if it's out of your comfort zone. And I'm really talking about meeting emotional needs not physical needs. Physical needs are important but emotional needs are so much more important. Your spouse needs, I mean really needs to know that you love them and they really are important enough to you that you committed the rest of your life to them.

What keeps people from being unselfish? Pride. Plain and simple, pride keeps you from doing the things your spouse needs and wants. When was the last time you said you were sorry when you really weren't? When was the last time that you held your tongue instead of saying what was on your mind? If you tend to say what is on your mind, even if it starts a fight then you have pride issues. If you never apologize just to keep the peace, especially before a fight starts, then you have pride issues. We teach our kids to take pride in what they do and we should. That kind of pride is good. When was the last time you thought about taking pride in your marriage? Or more, when was the last time that you took pride in your spouse? When was the last time that you felt proud to be married to them?

Marriage is hard, I know. Divorce rates are at 50% or higher inside and outside of the church. You can't worry about statistics and you can't use them as an excuse. A long time ago, I learned that if you wanted to succeed at anything you had to avoid "relative comparisons". Relative comparisons are when you compare what you're doing to someone else. It's when you say "I may not be great but I'm better than my neighbor". In marriage, we can't do that. The only thing that is important in marriage (outside of God) is your spouse. IT'S NOT YOU. You married the person that you're living with (or separated from) with the intention to be with them until you die. So you can't settle for a failing marriage and justify it because it hasn't failed yet like your neighbors did.

Love isn't that passion you felt as a newlywed. Love is the commitment you made to your spouse. Love is "till death do us part" and "for better or worse". If you want to teach your kids one of the most valuable lessons they could learn, show them how to love.

I know it is hard to do these things when your spouse isn't. But I can almost guarantee that if you put in the effort to work on yourself, your spouse will notice. If you haven't seen the movie "Firerproof" or haven't seen it in a while, watch it and watch it soon. Like I said, my thoughts aren't original they just can't be said enough.

I know there are times when divorce can't be avoided like spousal abuse. If your spouse is abusing you, I encourage you to get out now. However, there is a difference between being insensitive and being abusive.

I encourage you, I beg you, to strive for a prosperous marriage. I know you think your spouse is the problem and you may be right. However, if you will look to be a better spouse your efforts won't go unnoticed. It may take a while but it will be well worth it in the end. I can't think of a time when I said to myself "I wish I would have started that fight instead of holding my tongue".  If you need prayer about this Kim and I would be happy to pray for you.  You can reach me at johnkn.home@gmail.com.

If you live completely for Jesus today, you won't regret tomorrow what you did yesterday.
I love you and God does too!
John

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